I’m staring at the cursor on my screen, blink, blink, blink. So many times I have thought of this little space and the words I want to put in it. Then I let something or THINGS get in the way. I put it off until later. Always later. Most times later doesn’t happen.
I miss the words. I miss the heart behind the words. I have been putting pen to paper since I was a little girl. One of the first stories I remember writing was “Pop and the Fairy”. Then as a teenager I wrote depressing love poems. I didn’t think they were depressing then, of course, but when I read them now, I laugh. I was pretty dramatic. I wrote on this blog for many years, then it slowly tapered off. First it was a calling from God. I strongly felt that I needed to strengthen my relationship with my husband and felt even stronger that it wasn’t something for the public eye. Thank God I listened. That was the year my husband lost his job, twice, I got pregnant, once, I decided to homeschool, and then my brother died. I certainly needed the strength of my marriage that year.
The taper became a full stop though. The beginning of the end was when I listened to the voice of others and not the voice of my God. Others who thought my blog needed to be bigger and seen by more. Then the disappointment came, because that didn’t happen and I kept pushing for it to happen, even though it didn’t feel right. Then the words just stopped coming, at least on paper, the mind never quits. I’ve written and re-written many words in my brain. I’ve dreamed words, sure upon waking that I would write the down later. Later… I couldn’t remember.
So this is where I am at. I closed my “fan” page on Facebook. I felt guilty feeling like I wasn’t living up to the grand expectations in my own head. Somehow those expectations became the expectations of all my “fans”. You know, in my mind. I’m going to write words here sometimes. Most times you won’t know, unless you seek them. I’ve never been one to self promote. I’m the person who says “Don’t look at me. What are you looking at? Stop!” So if you want to read these words of mine… visit, because I’m probably not going to invite you.
We are on the cusp of that surprise baby from 2 years ago… turning two. She is still the DELIGHT of our lives. Two of my three homeschooled kids have chosen to return to traditional school. The husband and I have celebrated 16 years of marriage. 2015 marks 20 years of togetherness. This week, our words to each other have run through a freaking scrambler! That means what I say is not what he understands. What he says is not what I hear. I’m starting to question my sanity. Course, my sanity was probably brought into question when I became pregnant with that 5th child. I’m okay with that. Noah was considered crazy too, but look at how that worked out for him.
I still have a mad crappy coffee mix addiction. I still have insane thoughts and opinions. So stop by sometime. Pour some coffee, read a bit, leave an encouraging word. Or don’t. It’s completely up to you.
In love, in friendship, in Him,