I wrote this Friday morning. I held on to it and only shared it with a few friends, because I wanted to have my husband’s permission to share something so personal. I didn’t realize how emotional the experience would be for me. In the days to come, I will share, with permission, some of the conversations and emotions that have happened since.
One of my favorite movies is Sweet Home Alabama, with Reese Witherspoon, Josh Lucas and Patrick Dempsey. The scene that causes me to catch my breath every time is when Mel’s lawyer runs in and says “But you didn’t sign them”. He points to the paper, Mel looks at it and gasps. “Does anyone have a pen?” Nobody does. Well, nobody except her almost ex-husband’s mother. Stella hands her the pen, Melanie leans down to sign and hesitates.
Yeah. I feel like I almost lived that scene this morning. Of course there was no divorce in the works, because THE FIRST ONE TO LEAVE TAKES THE KIDS!
Sorry. I’m shouting.
Today is the day. My husband is going for the big V and I don’t mean victory. This morning, he couldn’t find the paperwork that he needs, because this is what we do. We lose paperwork, panic and then someone steps in and saves the day. Today, I was that someone, which is fitting considering how many times that man has saved my butt by finding what I need. So I found what he needed, I choked back the tears and I handed them over.
This might sound like I am not okay with him having the surgery. I am. I know that this is where he is. I know this is what he needs. Honestly, I am a little sad to see this chapter of our lives closing. I can cite a few reasons why it’s a good idea though. 1. Condoms suck. For real. 2. Chad is 48. 3. We have 5 kids already. 4. Money. We never have enough! And on and on and on.
All of those reasons make sense and seem right.
I have never been one to plan life. I kind of take it as it comes. It’s been a little easier for ME to roll with the punches, because I never had a plan anyway. When I was a kid, my only plan was to not get married or have kids. We can see how well that has worked for me. I pretty much realized a long time ago that my plans suck. Charlee, our one year old, was not in our plans. I mean, we’re adults. We know that sex can lead to pregnancy which leads to a baby, but as far as saying “HEY! We’re going to have a baby 8 years after our youngest”, that did not happen. It just turned out right.
Now this chapter of our lives is closing. There will be no more babies from my body. There will be no more sweet surprises. There will be no more excitement of the risk being there. I know that many people have gone before us and had a vasectomy or tubal ligation. I absolutely know that they have moved on from that point of their life. If Chad had been able to have a vasectomy five years ago like he wanted, we wouldn’t have Charlee. He said that to me. “If I had done this when I wanted, Charlee wouldn’t be here”. That thought just seems inconceivable to me. She is truly the best surprise I never planned on. (Checks to see if “on” is a preposition. Finds out it is. Doesn’t care)
There are some people that think I shouldn’t be sad, because of the above reasons, but none of those reasons stop the sadness. I can know something is right and still not be okay with it. (Case in point… my daughter going to high school. Yes, it’s right, but it’s OH SO WRONG at the same time) This is a stepping stone in life. It’s a process I have to go through. The decision has been made, the reasons are valid, but my heart mourns the loss a little. That’s totally okay.
I’ve heard of people spending a life time of regretting their decision. I’ve had friends who have paid big bucks to reverse their tubal ligation or vasectomy. I’ve never wanted to be in that situation. I won’t be in that situation. Please, God, don’t make me eat my words. They taste yucky.
So, today is the day and I’ve shed some tears. I have some hesitation and I’m totally okay with it.
How’s that for a woman that can’t make up her mind?