I Thought I was Dying

I just realized that I haven’t thought about (my) death in a while.

The fact that I was thinking about my death at all might be a little alarming to most of you, but considering what my life has entailed the past year, I don’t think it’s completely abnormal.

My brother died of a heart attack in September. I didn’t expect his death to have the effect on me that it did. For a while, I was fine. I mean, these things happen. I’ve seen other people deal with death in such a positive way, and I was determined that, as a Christian, I would too. Well, I learned that even Christians think death completely sucks. Because it does.

Four months after my brother passing, I was in the hospital having a baby. You know how they have to warn you of ALL possible things that can go wrong? I would stop them before the “you could die” every time. “My brother died four months ago, death is not an option for me”. I was trying to be lighthearted and funny, but I was serious.

A month after sweet Charlee was born, my chest pains returned. Brother dies of heart attack, Amy has chest pains. I was a mess. The thing is, I knew that I was probably a mess. I knew, logically, that it was probably stress or indigestion or some other non-lethal ailment. I convinced myself that God wouldn’t be that cruel to my parents. He wouldn’t allow my brother to die and then take me too. Except, I knew it could happen. One month after a woman in our church died from cancer, her husband passed away and left two boys parentless. So, yes, it happens.

I took myself to the doctor.

She gave me a clean bill of health. I was convinced she was wrong. She just hadn’t run the right test. I googled my symptoms. Of course, Google told me what I already knew. I was dying.

Except it wasn’t true. I was just a mess from hormones and my brother dying. I stopped googling my symptoms. This was actually harder than I thought, because I was sure I would miss something. Ha ha.

Now it’s three months later. I haven’t googled a symptom since. Remarkably, my doctor was probably right about those chest pains, because they have completely stopped. I’ve been too busy living with 6 other people to worry about my ultimate demise. I smiled the other day when I realized that I hadn’t obsessed over my death in a while.

Am I dying? Well, yes, it’s a natural process of life. 🙂 I plan on living my life until I do, whether it’s tomorrow (please, God, don’t let this be an omen) or 60 years from now. As long as living is dishes, laundry, homeschooling and loving this family I’ve got, I’m doing it right.

Am I completely out of the woods yet? Well, probably not. I’ve learned that death really is a (not so) funny thing. Just the aftermath can sneak up and grab you when you least expect it. Although I am not outwardly grieving, I am still inwardly processing the death of my brother. It has definitely affected me more than I ever thought it would. 

Now this is where you tell me a snippet of your story. The “don’t worry,  you’re not the only one” story. That way I won’t think I am completely crazy. 🙂

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2 thoughts on “I Thought I was Dying

  1. I had a real panic attack the day Jenna’s husband passed. Serious chest pain. Couldn’t catch my breath. It really DOES happen. Young kids lose their parents. And of course there’s google. It’s amazing – because of google I’ve died and come back to life so many times. You are so not alone friend. I find I go through seasons. Seasons of completely fearing my own death (young mom’s really do die and leave young kids behind) and seasons of having complete faith in my Lord that He’s got this. He already knows the day I will meet him. There’s not a darn thing I can do to change that day. It is what it is. And when it is, my kids (and husband) will go on. My prayer is that they will cling to the Lord and not let it destroy them. (Listen to me talk like it’s going to be soon ) Every time I see Jenna’s son up on stage, playing is guitar, I just say a prayer of thankfulness. Thankful that it didn’t destroy him. God’s got him……and all of His children.

  2. There have definitely been trying times that I have wondered what would happen if I died. How would I survive if my husband died suddenly? My mom had a heart attack at the age of 44. it is now 20 years later and she is still here and going strong. But I gotta say when I turned 44 it was scary.

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