I just realized that I haven’t thought about (my) death in a while.
The fact that I was thinking about my death at all might be a little alarming to most of you, but considering what my life has entailed the past year, I don’t think it’s completely abnormal.
My brother died of a heart attack in September. I didn’t expect his death to have the effect on me that it did. For a while, I was fine. I mean, these things happen. I’ve seen other people deal with death in such a positive way, and I was determined that, as a Christian, I would too. Well, I learned that even Christians think death completely sucks. Because it does.
Four months after my brother passing, I was in the hospital having a baby. You know how they have to warn you of ALL possible things that can go wrong? I would stop them before the “you could die” every time. “My brother died four months ago, death is not an option for me”. I was trying to be lighthearted and funny, but I was serious.
A month after sweet Charlee was born, my chest pains returned. Brother dies of heart attack, Amy has chest pains. I was a mess. The thing is, I knew that I was probably a mess. I knew, logically, that it was probably stress or indigestion or some other non-lethal ailment. I convinced myself that God wouldn’t be that cruel to my parents. He wouldn’t allow my brother to die and then take me too. Except, I knew it could happen. One month after a woman in our church died from cancer, her husband passed away and left two boys parentless. So, yes, it happens.
I took myself to the doctor.
She gave me a clean bill of health. I was convinced she was wrong. She just hadn’t run the right test. I googled my symptoms. Of course, Google told me what I already knew. I was dying.
Except it wasn’t true. I was just a mess from hormones and my brother dying. I stopped googling my symptoms. This was actually harder than I thought, because I was sure I would miss something. Ha ha.
Now it’s three months later. I haven’t googled a symptom since. Remarkably, my doctor was probably right about those chest pains, because they have completely stopped. I’ve been too busy living with 6 other people to worry about my ultimate demise. I smiled the other day when I realized that I hadn’t obsessed over my death in a while.
Am I dying? Well, yes, it’s a natural process of life. 🙂 I plan on living my life until I do, whether it’s tomorrow (please, God, don’t let this be an omen) or 60 years from now. As long as living is dishes, laundry, homeschooling and loving this family I’ve got, I’m doing it right.
Am I completely out of the woods yet? Well, probably not. I’ve learned that death really is a (not so) funny thing. Just the aftermath can sneak up and grab you when you least expect it. Although I am not outwardly grieving, I am still inwardly processing the death of my brother. It has definitely affected me more than I ever thought it would.
Now this is where you tell me a snippet of your story. The “don’t worry, you’re not the only one” story. That way I won’t think I am completely crazy. 🙂