Yes. That. And all that other stuff too.
I have a to-do list that just doesn’t stop. Anyone who is a mom, or a dad, or a human understands the never ending to do list. Your to do list might vary, but it’s always the same. There are things you need to do every day. There are things you need to do infrequently. And there are things that stay on the to do list forever, never seeming to get done.
Right now, I am in the season of life that looks something like this:
And honestly, the gig isn’t that bad. She’s sweet, so sweet. She smiles, she coos, she seems genuinely happy to be around us. I wake up every morning excited to see her face again. The “problem” is, she interferes with the laundry, the dishes, the cleaning, the grocery shopping, the screwing around because I feel like it. My heart knows what is most important. I know these days are short and before I know it they will be long gone. My brain, however, can’t seem to wrap itself around that fact. It is always racing, looking around, making a mental list of what needs to be done… “as soon as she sleeps”.
Sleep is a precious commodity around here.
That undone mental to-do list creates quite a bit of anxiety in me, because while I am taking care of God’s most precious gift, everything else is going undone and in turn I feel guilty.
I feel guilty if the house isn’t clean, the laundry isn’t washed (dried, folded, put away???), the dishes aren’t done, bills aren’t paid. I feel guilty that sometimes I don’t bother to take a shower, go to the pharmacy, or make a meal plan. I feel guilty that by the end of the day, I am so exhausted that I fall into bed with Charlee right next to me, because I just need the sleep I don’t get if she isn’t right there.
While my husband has been nothing but supportive, I hear the voices of other people telling me I am doing it wrong. It seems that no matter what you do… it’s wrong. Put her in a crib… wrong. Co-sleep… wrong. Cry it out… wrong. Go to her whenever she cries… wrong. Wear yoga pants three days in a row… wrong. (I don’t really want to be right) Stay home with the kids… wrong. Get a job… wrong. My mind gets so jumbled with what OTHER people think is right or wrong that I am not even sure what my opinion on any of it is. I am trying to do what is right for us, but sometimes I don’t know what that is. I remember the issues we have had in the past when we have had little children or new babies and I am working hard to prevent all those issues that truthfully aren’t even issues now, but I just can’t seem to forget that they were before and I fear that they will be again.
Yes, I know that was a terrible run-on sentence, I apologize.
Then there is the whole measuring up and fitting in. Seems that people my age (38) aren’t having babies. They are going on vacations and dates, running marathons, having drama free dinners with well behaved older children and EEEEK, having grandchildren. Ahhh, grandchildren. The kids you love to have and you love to send home all in the same day. So where do I fit in, with this tiny baby strapped to my chest? It’s not here and it’s not there.
My heart wants to listen to every word Lisa Jo says, because she gets it. She gets that sometimes life is messy, unscripted and not fine. She gets that we don’t have it all together and she ADMITS it. I just have a hard time believing that someone right down the street from me is facing the same issues as me. Oh, yes, I can see people across the country that are, but here? In my community? No way. People are way too together here.
My heart wants to love on this sweet baby all day long.