Archive | March 2013

I lied…. well, sort of

I decided that what I wrote yesterday was not entirely accurate. I do enjoy entertaining and I do enjoy being entertained by others. If they get me. 

What does it mean to “get me”?

It means that you know I have 5 kids, a husband, a cat and 2 dogs in this small house and you don’t even think about it. 

It means that when you say you are coming over and I say “how long will you stay?” you are not insulted or put off. 

It means that I can look at you and say “Well, it’s time for you to go now”, and you don’t take it personally, you know that I have reached my limits and you are okay with it. 

It means that you know me and you love my idiosyncrasies. It means that you will come back again and again, because those weird little things about me don’t scare you or bother you at all! Most times, you will just laugh and say “see you later, friend. I am so glad that we got together” and then you will go. 

A friend of mine stopped by early this morning and I was okay with it. We have known each other since the third of fourth grade. We can go long periods of time without talking to each other, but when we do, it’s like no time has passed. We talked for about half an hour and I felt comfortable enough with her to say “I’m sorry, but you have to go now, because we have to leave in just a bit”. I knew she wouldn’t take it personally. I am not fretting or worrying that she was offended. I know she gets me.

I share this kind of relationship with very few people. These are the people that know all my secrets, because I am not afraid to tell them anything. I don’t worry that they will think my house is too messy, too small, or wonder why my hair is blowing a zillion different ways or that the kids are running around the house like wild banshees. They don’t care that I have more kids than friends. 🙂 They know who I am, and they love me in spite of who I am. These type of friends will say “I’m coming over and I am only staying for an hour”. 

So I do like to entertain. I just have to feel like the entertainee gets me and loves me anyway. 🙂 

 

 

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Entertaining

An entertainer I am not. 

Not only that, I don’t really care  to BE entertained. 

I am not sure if I was raised this way, or if I have always been this way and it’s gotten worse. 

This is typical of me. A friend will want to get together. I think it sounds like a great idea. I look forward to the day. I’m excited! Until that morning. Then I sort of freak. I hope for the stomach flu. For me, of course, I would never wish that on someone else because of my idiosyncrasies. 😉 I will look for any excuse to not follow through on my plans. It doesn’t matter if the plans are here or there. I just want to get out of them. 

Now, it’s not that I don’t ENJOY getting together with my friends, because surely I do. I love to see them and when they are here or I am there, I love it! Prior to the meet-up though, I am a basket case. I worry that we will run out of things to talk about. I worry about the AWKWARD silence. And I worry about it so much, that 99 times out of 100, I will find a reason to cancel. 

I actually think it might run in the family. My brother, I think was very similar, except he was rude enough to act on his feelings. 😉 I knew that his brother in law knew him well when he told me that my brother used to walk into his house, walk to the fridge and then sit down in front of the tv. Hours later, the brother in law would ask where he went and his wife would say “oh, he went home”. Apparently get togethers were awkward for my brother too. 

My maternal grandfather used to wind up his clock when he felt it was time for guests to go home. My uncle will just flat out say “It’s time for you to be going now”. I do use that one with people I am comfortable with. Which is only that uncle’s daughter and family. 😉 

I know, that maybe, I should work on this and work through this. I just don’t know that I can.I want people to want to spend time with me and I certainly want to spend time with them. The worry and the stress before hand nearly takes all of the joy out of the impending visit though. 

So, if you are a friend of mine, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Really I am. 

How about you? Do you have an easy or hard time with get togethers? Are you like me and wonder when people will leave, or can you spend hours with friends, never knowing how much time has passed? 

I think of her

Charlee is sleeping on my bed right now. Yeah, I know what they say. Don’t do that. But when you have been trying to get a baby to sleep for longer than 15 or 20 minutes for four days, you tend to not want to move them when they finally do it. 

I feel like I check on her every 30 seconds. I check on her to make sure she is okay, that she is still sleeping and that she is still breathing. Every time I check on Charlee, I think of my friend. I think of that horrible, awful day that her daughter was napping on her bed. I think of her as I place my hand on Charlee’s back. I think of how my friend most likely expected to find her baby girl okay and then go back to the things that busy moms do. I think of how she never got back to that stuff that day. 

How many of us HAVEN’T done it? Most of us check on the baby, even though we know they will be okay. We probably even chastise ourselves a little, especially if checking on them wakes them up. 

I think of this every single time I walk in there. I think of Jenny, and I think of her sweet, perfect girl, Megan. I wish that I didn’t have this memory in my mind, but then again, I am thankful that I do. It makes me more patient during those times that Charlee isn’t sleeping and I have a list of things to do. I realize that life is short and it can change at any moment, in any way and there are no do-overs. I don’t ever want to forget Jenny and Megan, and this is why I think of them every time I check on her. 

To-do lists, Anxiety and Measuring Up

Sigh. 

Yes. That. And all that other stuff too. 

I have a to-do list that just doesn’t stop. Anyone who is a mom, or a dad, or a human understands the never ending to do list. Your to do list might vary, but it’s always the same. There are things you need to do every day. There are things you need to do infrequently. And there are things that stay on the to do list forever, never seeming to get done. 

Right now, I am in the season of life that looks something like this:

ImageAnd honestly, the gig isn’t that bad. She’s sweet, so sweet. She smiles, she coos, she seems genuinely happy to be around us. I wake up every morning excited to see her face again. The “problem” is, she interferes with the laundry, the dishes, the cleaning, the grocery shopping, the screwing around because I feel like it. My heart knows what is most important. I know these days are short and before I know it they will be long gone. My brain, however, can’t seem to wrap itself around that fact. It is always racing, looking around, making a mental list of what needs to be done… “as soon as she sleeps”.

Sleep is a precious commodity around here. 

That undone mental to-do list creates quite a bit of anxiety in me, because while I am taking care of God’s most precious gift, everything else is going undone and in turn I feel guilty. 

I feel guilty if the house isn’t clean, the laundry isn’t washed (dried, folded, put away???), the dishes aren’t done, bills aren’t paid. I feel guilty that sometimes I don’t bother to take a shower, go to the pharmacy, or make a meal plan. I feel guilty that by the end of the day, I am so exhausted that I fall into bed with Charlee right next to me, because I just need the sleep I don’t get if she isn’t right there. 

While my husband has been nothing but supportive, I hear the voices of other people telling me I am doing it wrong. It seems that no matter what you do… it’s wrong. Put her in a crib… wrong. Co-sleep… wrong. Cry it out… wrong. Go to her whenever she cries… wrong. Wear yoga pants three days in a row… wrong. (I don’t really want to be right) Stay home with the kids… wrong. Get a job… wrong. My mind gets so jumbled with what OTHER people think is right or wrong that I am not even sure what my opinion on any of it is. I am trying to do what is right for us, but sometimes I don’t know what that is. I remember the issues we have had in the past when we have had little children or new babies and I am working hard to prevent all those issues that truthfully aren’t even issues now, but I just can’t seem to forget that they were before and I fear that they will be again.

Yes, I know that was a terrible run-on sentence, I apologize. 

Then there is the whole measuring up and fitting in. Seems that people my age (38) aren’t having babies. They are going on vacations and dates, running marathons, having drama free dinners with well behaved older children and EEEEK, having grandchildren. Ahhh, grandchildren. The kids you love to have and you love to send home all in the same day. So where do I fit in, with this tiny baby strapped to my chest? It’s not here and it’s not there. 

My heart wants to listen to every word Lisa Jo says, because she gets it. She gets that sometimes life is messy, unscripted and not fine. She gets that we don’t  have it all together and she ADMITS it. I just have a hard time believing that someone right down the street from me is facing the same issues as me. Oh, yes, I can see people across the country that are, but here? In my community? No way. People are way too together here. 

My heart wants to love on this sweet baby all day long. 

Imagebut honestly, I feel guilty when I do. For everything that doesn’t get done. 

 

When the Magic Left

It’s not often that I get a chance to stop in and say hi. There’s homeschooling and baby Charlee and a house to take care of and all of a sudden it’s bed time. I think of blogging a lot. An awful lot. I think “That would be good to blog!” and then I don’t. 🙂

Things are going relatively well. You know what I hate though? When the honeymoon period comes to an end. The first week home with Charlee was pure bliss. We were all in love and doing everything to make it a pleasant home environment for her. Then my exhaustion met normal and all hell broke loose around here. 

I remember the moment, the day, the time, EXACTLY. I was tired so I laid down with Charlee. Chad was out with the kids. The next thing I knew, he was in with us and I could hear the kids, playing and being loud. I lost it. I  mean, I lost it. They retreated to their bedrooms and I came into the living room, with my baby who rarely cried and was now screaming at the top of her lungs and I cried. For an hour. I was mad and frustrated that the magic was gone. I was disappointed that my family didn’t see my needs at that time. I blamed them because the baby was screaming. I was sad that no one, I mean my husband, came to check on me. 

Even though it was a rough few days, things are back to normal. I’m feeling normal, but extremely busy. My hormones have leveled out. The kids are back to themselves, which isn’t always the outcome I want. 🙂 My husband is stepping in and helping more and I am stepping out and asking for help. 

It’s definitely been a period of adjustment. I had forgotten how difficult the adjustment is. but by the grace of God, we’re doing it. We have been blessed.