Archive | September 2012

I’m glad that …

I’m glad that WordPress gives me an option of titling my blog post or not. I kind of suck at coming up with names for every blog post.

I know that it’s to be expected. After all, I am 5 months pregnant. There’s been a death in the family. I still have things to do and people to take care of, and recently these regular chores have been compounded.

Dang it, I am tired.

If you walked into my house and saw the mess, you would ask who died. As if you don’t already know. Cleaning house is just one of those chores I can’t fully tackle right now. Unfortunately, whether I want to do it or not, the dishes and laundry have to be done. I hate running out of things to eat on/ with or wear.

I am pretty level headed. Mentally I deal with stress quite well. How I deal physically is another story. Stress makes me tired. Very, very tired.  I promise you, I sleep well. 8 – 10 hours of sleep at night. I know that some people have problems falling asleep when things are so very stressful, but that has never been one of my problems!

Obviously, even though I can’t feel the stress, my body can. I am tired of being tired though, and I just want some energy back. Probably two years, right? Ha!

These are the things they don’t tell you about death. How you have to deal with normal life, no matter how much you may not want to. Dishes still have to be done, kids still have to be taken to school, dinner still needs to be made (which is actually something I do enjoy!), bills still have to be paid and plans still need to be made.

I told my mom today that I wished it was a year from now. She said “Then we would be another year older and wouldn’t have the joy or pleasure of living the year”. Sigh, she is probably right.

Hopefully tomorrow I have the energy to talk about being redeemed. Somebody said to me “Why your brother? Why couldn’t it have been ___________?”. No, I am not naming names, but I can’t say that I haven’t had the thought, then God rebukes me. I hate it when that happens.

Be blessed friends, and live well! I love you.

Advertisements

What are you waiting for?

My brother moved out of our house when I was in the 8th grade. He joined the Navy, he left, he never came back to our house. He served most of his 20 year Navy career in Japan. It was almost unheard of for someone to be stationed in one place for so long. Japan fit him. He had always been drawn to the culture and to the people.

Shortly before his Navy career came to an end, he came back to the United States with his new wife and her son. They settled in San Diego, because that’s where her family lived. He came to visit us a few times. We never went to visit him.

In fact, in his 10 years of marriage, we have never met his wife or son or extended family. We have talked to his wife and son on Skype, but as far as face to face meetings, it has never happened.

In 2 weeks, my parents, 3 of my children and I will do what we have never done. We will travel to San Diego. We will meet my brother’s wife and son and extended family. Unfortunately, he will not be there, except in spirit.

My brother passed away unexpectedly on Friday.

Why did we wait?

Oh, you know, the usual excuses. No time. No money. No desire.

But all of a sudden he passes away and we have the time, money and desire to go there. (Okay, REALISTICALLY I don’t have the money. With 4 children and another on the way and 5 months of unemployment for my husband… we are fresh out. Thankfully my parents are taking us as tag-a-alongs) It’s a little backwards if you ask me.

The thing is, I don’t feel like it actually bothered my brother that we didn’t ever come there. He has never been the “gather the family and shower each other with tons of gooey love” type person. I also think that he felt like all of us… that there is always tomorrow.

Unfortunately, there’s not. There will NEVER be an opportunity for me to see my brother in San Diego. There will NEVER be a moment when my brother introduces me to his wife and son. He will NEVER have me over to his house. He never called me on the phone. Now he never will.

I do not feel guilty for what I didn’t do. I can’t do that. It’s counter-productive to anything God wants for my life. I am not even sure that I can say “If I knew then what I know now, I would do it differently”, because I don’t know that I would. I have a feeling that as I get older, and my kids start moving onto their own lives, and we magically have some money, I will feel sadness that I don’t have the opportunity to spend that time or money visiting my brother. Rather than feeling guilty, I am learning that tomorrow doesn’t always come for everybody. Sometimes tomorrow comes, and the person you thought would be there forever, isn’t.

What are you waiting for?

(I do think this is human nature. We put off things due to lack of time, money, desire, resources, etc, but when it comes to crunch time, we are able to produce all those things we thought we didn’t have. It’s kind of a silly way to live)

Processing

My brother died.

I feel like I have  said that 137 times since Friday and it still doesn’t sound or feel right.

I don’t know if people are sick of hearing it, but I am sure sick of saying it.

No matter how many times I have said it, and know it to be true, I don’t believe it and it still takes me by surprise.

The day after he died, my mom asked me to take her to the store. First of all, she was a little out of it… obviously. You could tell she was still in shock.When we went to the check out, the cashier said “Hello, how are you?”. Very rote. How in the heck do you answer that? Saying “um, my son just died. How are you?” tends to depress people.

I’ve noticed that even the normal things aren’t normal anymore. Going to the store feels like a chore, because I am going with something missing in my life and I can feel it. The other day I went to Walgreen’s to get a newspaper. I made the mistake of checking my FB messages in the parking lot. I sat, sobbing, unable to go in. I almost said “forget it” and turned around to go home, but I didn’t. Thankfully I didn’t know anyone working that day.

What it comes down to is this. My brother’s too short life has been reduced to paperwork, photographs and memories. I’ll be honest, it sucks. 

In my mind, I always thought I would be able to handle something like this. I am finding out that you don’t know how you will handle ANYTHING until you have to handle it.

37 years of my life with a brother. The rest of my life with only photographs and memories.

Unreal.

Wilbur (Willie) Wright December 15, 1969 – September 21, 2012

Husband

Father

Son

Brother

Uncle

Brother in law

Cousin

Nephew

Friend