I… feel like a failure. Sad, isn’t it? I know you tell me I’m not. I know how valuable I am to you, but honestly, sometimes I don’t think it’s enough.
I hate balancing the checkbook. We have minimalized so much and it doesn’t seem like it’s helping. Oh, I know, it’s only by your grace that we have even made it through the last 4 months. There is absolutely no other way to explain it. But there is still some stuff I’ve had to let go. Some medical bills. Not too big of a deal, right? They usually wait. Usually. I hate that it’s come to this though. After Chad’s last job, we were doing well, now it seems we are right back where we were before then.
I know that this isn’t even the hardest times we will go through. Our house isn’t much. It’s small. Much too small by American standards for a family of 7, yet I do fear that we won’t be able to keep up and we will lose it. Sometimes, by faith, I want to finish our “renovations”. Put the trim up, repaint, replace the flooring where needed, but then I think “what’s the point, if we just lose it later?”.
Then let’s get to that whole family of 7 thing. Really? Why now? When I should be rejoicing over new life, I am gripped by the fear of “how?”, “why?” and “what do people think of me? Us?”. Sometimes I am so ashamed of my pregnancy. I truly want people to think my weight gain is from a bad diet. I see and hear what people say about people like us, not realizing they are talking about us too. It hurts. A lot. It causes me to retreat in my shame. Even when people are positive and excited, my insecurities wonder if they are saying one thing to me, and whispering behind their hands when I am not looking. I am having a hard time believing in the sincerity of people right now.
And, God, sometimes I hear you. Yep, I hear the whispers, I feel the nudge… And I flat out ignore you. “Pray for her”, “ask him if you can pray for him”, “step forward, ask for prayer”, “call her, tell her you need to talk”. I don’t do it. I hear it all, and I just turn my back. I say no.
I feel like I should be doing something. I know you told me to serve my family, but I wonder if it’s enough. Should I be doing more? Is this really where you want me? My service to my family, sponsoring Compasson kids… Is that what you want from me right now? I want to help bring in a income, but do people hire pregnant ladies? Am I worrying about things that aren’t supposed to be MY worries?
I feel like I am skating through life right now. I don’t know WHAT to do. I want things to be easy (hey, I’m being honest), but I also want things to be blessed. Like Laura Story sings:
‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
I’m thankful, so thankful, for so much. We have had a good summer. We have been blessed enough to go to the beach (came back to no job), go camping, spend time together as a family… And during those days I felt so sick from pregnancy, I could barely function, I was grateful that my husband WAS here to help.
Sometimes blessings come at a great great cost. And it’s not the blessings I am worried about, I know those will come. It’s the cost that causes me to sleep restlessly, wake too early, nap too much, and grump at people.
I know in my head that you are there, but sometimes I feel in my heart, that I am gone. And I don’t know what to do about it.
Just being honest.
P.S. I’m sure I have forgotten a lot of things in my heart and on my mind. Can I reserve the right to come back and talk about it some more?
P.P.S. I am going to hit publish before I doubt myself. Sometimes people think I have it all together and I surely don’t.
P.P.P.S. thank you for listening, God. I love you.