Living Above the Doubt

I have history. 

When I was working a $20 an hour job, I was miserable. I even had good benefits. A yearly bonus that would pay my bills for 2 months. But none of that changed the fact that I hated it. I hated being away from my family. I hated the stress. I hated leaving my babies with someone else. 

Then I got pregnant, so I stayed. Just for the benefits. The moment Miss Piper was born, I knew I could never leave her. I had done it before, but this time was different. It seemed physically impossibly for me to separate from her. 

I was told many things, such as I was crazy for giving up that much income, that I would be bored silly, that we would never be able to make it on my husband’s income alone. I was told that it wasn’t sensible to just up and quit. I needed a plan. 

There was no time to plan. I quit. 

I was living above the doubt. 

When I felt called to go to Nicaragua, there were naysayers. There were people that told me to not be disappointed if I didn’t get to go. I was told it wasn’t safe. The cost of the fees even seemed insurmountable to me, but I knew I was supposed to go. 

I was living above the doubt. 

When I came back from Nicaragua, I left my old life behind. It just didn’t seem that I could go back to who I was and what I used to do. I quit my part time job. My husband took a pay cut at work. We got hit with a huge medical bill. We had to ask for help with our mortgage. We were offered help “with stipulations”.  They felt that we couldn’t  make it on my husband’s income alone and thought I should get a job. Understandably, they didn’t want to help with the house payment if we were just going to lose it anyway. I knew what I was called to do at that time, and turned down the help. I started to wonder if I had heard Him wrong. 

I was living above the doubt. 

Here we are again. Chad was unemployed for 4 weeks. He’s employed again, but for much less than he was making before. We’ve asked for help again, because we can see the light at the end of the tunnel. We know that there are good things coming, we know things are going to get better. We know that we have done this before and been okay, we can do this again. I’ve started making beads and necklaces again. I enjoy doing it.

I have doubts. 

It’s when I have to remind myself to live above the doubts.

 Because… we did make it on my husband’s income after Piper was born, I did raise enough money to go to Nicaragua and we didn’t lose our house. It was all hard, but it wasn’t impossible. 

We have lived above the doubts before. We are going to live above the doubts again. Things may not turn out the way we hope, but things will turn out. 

Have you ever had to live above the doubt before? I would love to hear your experience. 

3 thoughts on “Living Above the Doubt

  1. Well, I remember when I was going through my divorce, my ex decided to leave for 100’s of miles away with our son. To get them back in town (at least while the divorce was in process), I had to give her full use of my house and had to find a place to live. I went from my 3 bedroom house with a 3car garage full of toys to a 15×9 foot bedroom that I rented from a total stranger on craigslist. I quickly found that a house was just a place to lay my head at night–even if that was on hand-me-down twin matteresses that my neighbor was throwing away. It was an experience to know that I could downsize like that and be…. perfectly fine. Learning it’s who you have in your life, not what was a valuable thing to learn. In the end, I got all the “stuff” back and more. But the experience was a good one.

    • It’s so true, Trayson. That’s something I instill in my kiddos too. That we will be fine, as long as we have each other, because in the end, the STUFF doesn’t matter.

      STUFF sure makes the ride more fun though.

      Thanks for your comment. 🙂

  2. Oh I get that, “We want to help you, but….. (maybe Kit should get a job)” ugh. 😦 Anyway, proud of you for wading through this type of stuff so patiently. I must admit I’ve not yet been challenged quite like that!

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