Feeling Needy and other first world problems ;)

I am not one to write, edit, re-write, delete, refine, etc.I write off the cuff and then I hit publish. Why? Because I want to be transparent and real and in the moment. I was a bit disappointed when I discovered that a popular blogger that I follow, would write her material weeks in advance. I understand WHY she does, but I was disappointed because I always felt like she was a kindred spirit. I wasn’t the only one going through what I was currently dealing with. 

As a result, my writing isn’t always pretty, nice or grammatically correct. It is real though. 

What’s my “first world problem” for this week? (BTW- I really hate that phrase. HATE IT)

I’m feeling needy. I want someone to notice me. I want someone to look at me and say “I see how hard you are working. I see how patient you are with your baby. I like how you spoke nicely to Piper, even when she doesn’t speak nicely to you. Thank you for getting dinner on the table for your family every. single. night, even though it’s a struggle. Thank you for teaching your children, even though it’s not what you really want to do. It’s amazing how I always have clean clothes in my drawer. I see you. I notice. You are not invisible”.

What I normally get is:

• I don’t feel good.
• I’m tired. 
• I don’t want to do school work.
• I don’t like this (what we are having for dinner)
• Can I? Can we? Can you?
• Where is my t-shirt? I put it in the laundry! (and you are a failure because you didn’t wash it) and oh, look! Here it is! Not in the laundry. Hanging right where you told me it would be if it had been in the laundry. 

My mama has often told me that motherhood is a thankless job. I believe her. My kids are great kids, but they are kids. Their thanks won’t come until they are stuck right where I am right now. 

So far all you mamas doing a thankless job? THANK YOU. I see you. I notice. I appreciate every single thing you are doing. The things that are unseen and the things that are seen. I know what it’s like. I want to (((((((((((hug))))))))) you and thank you. Really. 

 

Prayers

For six months last year, my son prayed every night “Please, God, make the baby a boy”. We’d tell him that the baby was already a boy or a girl and God wasn’t going to change it. My son cried when Charlee was born a girl.  

We’ve been out of practice on prayers for the past couple of months. It’s hard when there is a demanding baby in the mix and many of our prayers were just thrown heaven ward in a rush. Jack has been pretty adamant about not praying at all. The last few nights we have been giving our thanks before dinner. Chad led us in prayer tonight and at his “Amen”, Jack piped up “Wait! Wait! I have something to say.”

We bowed our heads again and Jack began “Dear Lord, thank you for this food. Thank you for this day. And, Lord, please make the next baby……..long dramatic pause…… really cute”.

There was laughter around the table and my husband looks heaven ward and says “I’m sorry, Lord”, then looked at my son and said “Where in the heck did that come from????”

Michelle said “I don’t think mommy and daddy want six kids”. 

Jack’s rebuttal was “Well, you can move soon”. 

LOL. At least he’s okay with having little sisters now ?  

This month’s challenge

I love a good challenge. Honestly, it excites me. It’s exactly how my husband got me to date him. “You would never go out with a guy like me”. Oh, honey, challenge accepted. 

In the past several years I have really learned to take challenges with a grain of salt. God hasn’t failed me yet and we have always, always been okay, no matter how painful the challenge is. So when I found out that we need to pay off a debt, and is more than my husband brings home in a month, I only cried once. The next morning, I woke up, dried my tears and once again said “Challenge accepted”. 

I have until May 31 to pay off an undisclosed, to you, amount of money. Like I said, it’s more than my husband earns in a month. Eeeek. I can think of better ways to spend that amount of money. .Oh yeah. But, really, I am not wringing my hands worried that it won’t work out. 

However, we need prayers. A lot of prayers. This is a month where we need to tighten the notches on our belt so tight that it may be hard to breathe for a bit. We will have to go without and be creative. (For instance last night we used leftover vegetables in a chicken stir fry. Instead of eating it over rice, as usual, I used up half of a bag of shredded cabbage that I had purchased for another meal. And it was GOOD!) 

So, please, friends, if you are reading this, say a prayer for us. Right now, I am feeling pretty confident, but who knows? I might stumble and fall this month. I might lose my faith a little and shed a few tears. Your prayers are so, so important. 

I was late in writing and posting this, so I want to tell you where we are at now. I did our budget for the month and was surprised to find out that we actually have a third paycheck, and no benefits are deducted from the third paycheck! My husband also received a small bonus on his first paycheck. My mom cleaned out her cupboards of close to expiring food and food that she probably wasn‘t going to use and gave it to me.4 bags full! This weekend we were supposed to get the brakes on our truck fixed, but had to cancel due to the importance of paying this bill. This morning we received a phone call and were told to show up at noon, because the brakes would still be worked on. 

By the grace of God, we’ve got this. Thank you in advance for all your prayers. The month is not over yet! 

What Works for Me

I happened across a blog post this morning about marriage and putting your husband first. The argument is almost as old as the stay at home vs working mom, homeschool vs public schools arguments. I’m not really going to address my opinion on the matter. My attention was drawn to one particular point that the author made. She said something along the lines of “if your children are sleeping with you, you are going to ruin your marriage”. (not her words exactly, just how I remember them)

I started feeling bad. There are some nights I have the time, energy and patience to put Charlee in her own bed. Most nights, however, I am tired and well spent. My day has consisted of laundry, errands, dishes, making dinner, homeschooling and more. So as I am reading this, I am looking over at my husband and thinking “God, he’s gonna leave me”. 

Then I shook some sense into myself. I told myself that what works for one person or family is not necessarily what works for us. My husband has reassured me several times that he doesn’t feel neglected or unloved. He also throws in a “You are doing a great job, hon” for extra husband points. 

We have been married for almost 15 years. We have been through years where we had babies sleeping with us and little time together. We have survived. Our marriage has still thrived. We have moved on to other phases of life and now we are in a phase of life that we have been through before. We will survive and we will thrive again. He has told me “babe, we know this time is temporary, stop putting unrealistic expectations on yourself. Let’s do what works for us”.

He’s such a smart man, I think I am going to take his advice. I can be secure in the knowledge that we are okay. And I will continue to remind myself that what works for others, won’t work for us and what works for us won’t work for others and really, it’s all okay. 

When Things Don’t Go as (I) Planned

Charlee is our surprise baby.

I found out I was pregnant in April of 2012. (Thanks for catching my error, Monica!) I got up the nerve to tell my husband in May. We confirmed the pregnancy at the doctor’s office, but we kept it to ourselves for three months. On July 3, we shared the news with my parents and our four children. Every day for six months, my son prayed at dinner “God, please let this baby be a boy”. It seemed like a reasonable request. After all, he was the only boy in a sea of girls.

We decided to go against the grain and wait until birth to find out if our precious bundle was going to level out the testosterone in this house. On the day she was born, I heard the sweetest words ever. “It’s a girl!!!!” To tell you the truth, I would have been equally as thrilled if God had blessed us with a boy.

Minutes after Charlee’s birth, my husband was on the phone announcing her to everyone. He was as thrilled as I was. Unfortunately, when he told my son, my son was not thrilled. In fact, he cried. As his mom, I worried. I was so sorry that we had disappointed him. I am thankful to my mom for her part in talking to my son and explaining that God doesn’t always give us what we want, but He always gives us what He needs us to have. Twelve hours later, my son’s tune had changed and he was desperate to go to the hospital and meet this little blessing. Our girls decided on their own that they would give their only brother the honor of holding and loving on the baby first. When he got his hands on her, he fell instantly and totally in ell oh vee eee.

Now two months later, her presence in our lives is absolutely perfect. We can not imagine not having this beautiful baby girl.Jack is still in love with her. He calls her beautiful and he jumps up if she cries. Logistically, a boy would have made more sense, but we have learned that God doesn’t work with logistics. He works with blessings.

And boy, oh boy (I had to say it) are we ever thankful!

I lied…. well, sort of

I decided that what I wrote yesterday was not entirely accurate. I do enjoy entertaining and I do enjoy being entertained by others. If they get me. 

What does it mean to “get me”?

It means that you know I have 5 kids, a husband, a cat and 2 dogs in this small house and you don’t even think about it. 

It means that when you say you are coming over and I say “how long will you stay?” you are not insulted or put off. 

It means that I can look at you and say “Well, it’s time for you to go now”, and you don’t take it personally, you know that I have reached my limits and you are okay with it. 

It means that you know me and you love my idiosyncrasies. It means that you will come back again and again, because those weird little things about me don’t scare you or bother you at all! Most times, you will just laugh and say “see you later, friend. I am so glad that we got together” and then you will go. 

A friend of mine stopped by early this morning and I was okay with it. We have known each other since the third of fourth grade. We can go long periods of time without talking to each other, but when we do, it’s like no time has passed. We talked for about half an hour and I felt comfortable enough with her to say “I’m sorry, but you have to go now, because we have to leave in just a bit”. I knew she wouldn’t take it personally. I am not fretting or worrying that she was offended. I know she gets me.

I share this kind of relationship with very few people. These are the people that know all my secrets, because I am not afraid to tell them anything. I don’t worry that they will think my house is too messy, too small, or wonder why my hair is blowing a zillion different ways or that the kids are running around the house like wild banshees. They don’t care that I have more kids than friends. They know who I am, and they love me in spite of who I am. These type of friends will say “I’m coming over and I am only staying for an hour”. 

So I do like to entertain. I just have to feel like the entertainee gets me and loves me anyway.  

 

 

Entertaining

An entertainer I am not. 

Not only that, I don’t really care  to BE entertained. 

I am not sure if I was raised this way, or if I have always been this way and it’s gotten worse. 

This is typical of me. A friend will want to get together. I think it sounds like a great idea. I look forward to the day. I’m excited! Until that morning. Then I sort of freak. I hope for the stomach flu. For me, of course, I would never wish that on someone else because of my idiosyncrasies. I will look for any excuse to not follow through on my plans. It doesn’t matter if the plans are here or there. I just want to get out of them. 

Now, it’s not that I don’t ENJOY getting together with my friends, because surely I do. I love to see them and when they are here or I am there, I love it! Prior to the meet-up though, I am a basket case. I worry that we will run out of things to talk about. I worry about the AWKWARD silence. And I worry about it so much, that 99 times out of 100, I will find a reason to cancel. 

I actually think it might run in the family. My brother, I think was very similar, except he was rude enough to act on his feelings. I knew that his brother in law knew him well when he told me that my brother used to walk into his house, walk to the fridge and then sit down in front of the tv. Hours later, the brother in law would ask where he went and his wife would say “oh, he went home”. Apparently get togethers were awkward for my brother too. 

My maternal grandfather used to wind up his clock when he felt it was time for guests to go home. My uncle will just flat out say “It’s time for you to be going now”. I do use that one with people I am comfortable with. Which is only that uncle’s daughter and family.  

I know, that maybe, I should work on this and work through this. I just don’t know that I can.I want people to want to spend time with me and I certainly want to spend time with them. The worry and the stress before hand nearly takes all of the joy out of the impending visit though. 

So, if you are a friend of mine, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Really I am. 

How about you? Do you have an easy or hard time with get togethers? Are you like me and wonder when people will leave, or can you spend hours with friends, never knowing how much time has passed?